Blog at home while Noah is off from school? Impossible, perhaps...we'll see. Between tv and a new game on my iphone, that should give me about 15 minutes :-).
Standing for Peace, Quiet and Stillness
I don't know about you, but there are times when I would do ANYTHING for the sound of Silence. With a now-5-year-old running around the house, quiet is anything but the norm.
I can tell that my body CRAVES quiet. I can tell in this moment that my body LOVES the silence.
I am sitting in my favorite chair near the window. As soon as I sat down, got myself settled into a comfortable position and turned on my laptop, I could feel my pulse quiet down. Like a thirsty body after a long workout, I could feel my body soaking up the peace. I could feel....
(Phone Just Rang. I think I had a whopping five minutes of silence until my focus went unfocused...and now my five-year-old is insisting that he sits on my lap!)
Back to the feeling...I could feel each cell in my body uncontract as I anticipated an uninterrupted period of solo time.
No such thing.
And now, as Noah is leaning against me (can't sit on my lap 'cause of the laptop), wiggling his body, and now back to jumping on the sofa, my Stand for Peace, Quiet and Stillness is defunct.
Good feeling gone
Where did that good feeling go?
Phone rang again....yes, I answered it, ug!
I think the good feeling is gone for good.
While on the phone, I noticed myself listening at only 50%. The craving in my body STILL EXISTED and it was SCREAMING AT ME to GET OFF THE PHONE!!
Like my Noah who screams at me while I am on the phone because he wants my attention, my body was screaming at me to get off the phone, to pay attention to my self, and get back to my writing and quiet time.
LISTEN UP!
Ahhh, I did it. I listened. I listened to my body, my craving, my inner voice. I gracefully interrupted my caller who was in a talkative mood, told her honestly that I wasn't 100% present, and let her know I would call her back.
Relief!
I can breathe again. I can now remember the good feeling of cells uncontracting. I can feel my body starting to relax. I can feel my lungs receiving more air. And I sense I slight vulnerability. The uncontraction brings with it a sense of sadness....of release.
Stuffed Feelings
Perhaps the feelings are not so much about what is happening in the moment. It senses like the feelings are more about stuffed emotions of long ago.... the emotions locked away in the contracted cells. The emotions stuck in place with the LACK of peace, quiet and uncontraction. The sadness buried in the go, go, go (and incoming phone calls) of LIFE!
Just a thought...
Gotta Go. Peace and Quiet Time is Up.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Family of Two vs. Family of Three
In my life as a single mom, I have the opportunity to experience being BOTH a mom with a Family of Two AND, at times, a mom with a Family of Three.
Family of Two
In most of my everyday life, I am a single mom, caring for a FIVE YEAR OLD (I say that with expression, because today is my son's birthday!), doing the typical activities of a single mom. For the purpose of standing for Single Mom's, this is the perspective I write from. A journey in and of itself.
Family of Three
Today I have the chance to reflect upon my part-time experience of a being a Family of Three. On the occasions when I go to visit Noah's dad, (or in this case, Noah's dad visiting us this weekend) we are together as a family of three. (At some later date, I'll fill you in on some of the details surrounding the separation of this family...for now, I'll just say that, well, a long-distance relationship is what we are choosing).
The Experience
Funny thing, what Life brings us to experience. What I notice about myself is that...in the days of Family of Two, I am preoccupied with all the Families of Three, Four, Five. "THEY have it all!"...a voice inside usually comments. "They have what I want," is a common theme. They live what my mind creates as the Perfect Life....The Illusion.
Well, this weekend, I had what I wanted. There was no "THEY". The THEY was US. We were a Family of Three for about 41 hours.
And, as Life would have it, that was yet another chance to watch my mind's voices do their thing.
Enjoying the Moment?
My personal challenge for the weekend visit was to be present...to the life that was unfolding for those 41 hours. Being present to the experience is as challenging for me whether I am a Family of Two or a Family of Twenty!
I watched how I strategized the "Perfect" Saturday. Walmart for the bicycle. Subway for picnic lunch. Piedmont Park for bike riding, baseball and frisbee. Taxco for Mexican soup.
I watched how I went in and out of the Moment while at Piedmont Park. IN - enjoying the synchronicity of a perfect parking space. OUT - having to find the Perfect spot to put down the blanket. IN - enjoying the adrenaline of playing Frisbee. OUT - watching the other "Parkers" doing their park thing and wanting their experience (interesting how my mind created the infamous "they" right there out of the blue). IN - walking briskly to keep up with the Birthday Boy on his new bike. OUT - preoccupied with what we were going to do next.
The people who do not experience this particular life challenge may think, Insanity! Those with whom this resonates may think, Normality!
It is what it is... until it isn't
The Best that I can offer to other single mother sufferers of perfectionism and comparison is that it is what it is....
It is what I do. It is the habit of this particular identity.
But, the more I try to change it, complain about it, force myself to be different, the more I stay the same.
However, the more I watch what my mind does, and simply watch it from a distance, the more space I have to chuckle at it and let it be. And the more space I have to accept what is.
Of course I would want the perfect weekend! Of course I would want the perfect experience! Of course I would compare! And of course it would not be perfect!
It is what it is! It is what these voices do!
And, the more I accept what it is..., the more often I experience what it isn't.
Future note: Looking forward to sharing the Family of Four experience when we visit with Noah's dad and his daughter over Spring Break. :-)
Family of Two
In most of my everyday life, I am a single mom, caring for a FIVE YEAR OLD (I say that with expression, because today is my son's birthday!), doing the typical activities of a single mom. For the purpose of standing for Single Mom's, this is the perspective I write from. A journey in and of itself.
Family of Three
Today I have the chance to reflect upon my part-time experience of a being a Family of Three. On the occasions when I go to visit Noah's dad, (or in this case, Noah's dad visiting us this weekend) we are together as a family of three. (At some later date, I'll fill you in on some of the details surrounding the separation of this family...for now, I'll just say that, well, a long-distance relationship is what we are choosing).
The Experience
Funny thing, what Life brings us to experience. What I notice about myself is that...in the days of Family of Two, I am preoccupied with all the Families of Three, Four, Five. "THEY have it all!"...a voice inside usually comments. "They have what I want," is a common theme. They live what my mind creates as the Perfect Life....The Illusion.
Well, this weekend, I had what I wanted. There was no "THEY". The THEY was US. We were a Family of Three for about 41 hours.
And, as Life would have it, that was yet another chance to watch my mind's voices do their thing.
Enjoying the Moment?
My personal challenge for the weekend visit was to be present...to the life that was unfolding for those 41 hours. Being present to the experience is as challenging for me whether I am a Family of Two or a Family of Twenty!
I watched how I strategized the "Perfect" Saturday. Walmart for the bicycle. Subway for picnic lunch. Piedmont Park for bike riding, baseball and frisbee. Taxco for Mexican soup.
I watched how I went in and out of the Moment while at Piedmont Park. IN - enjoying the synchronicity of a perfect parking space. OUT - having to find the Perfect spot to put down the blanket. IN - enjoying the adrenaline of playing Frisbee. OUT - watching the other "Parkers" doing their park thing and wanting their experience (interesting how my mind created the infamous "they" right there out of the blue). IN - walking briskly to keep up with the Birthday Boy on his new bike. OUT - preoccupied with what we were going to do next.
The people who do not experience this particular life challenge may think, Insanity! Those with whom this resonates may think, Normality!
It is what it is... until it isn't
The Best that I can offer to other single mother sufferers of perfectionism and comparison is that it is what it is....
It is what I do. It is the habit of this particular identity.
But, the more I try to change it, complain about it, force myself to be different, the more I stay the same.
However, the more I watch what my mind does, and simply watch it from a distance, the more space I have to chuckle at it and let it be. And the more space I have to accept what is.
Of course I would want the perfect weekend! Of course I would want the perfect experience! Of course I would compare! And of course it would not be perfect!
It is what it is! It is what these voices do!
And, the more I accept what it is..., the more often I experience what it isn't.
Future note: Looking forward to sharing the Family of Four experience when we visit with Noah's dad and his daughter over Spring Break. :-)
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