The Illusion

Now, I don't quite know why I am so passionate about the Truth.

In fact, a lot of my close friends would say I have more of a fancy for illusion than the truth.

But the truth is, I do love the truth.  Problem is, I've bought the illusion - hook, line, and sinker - and it's really, really HARD to detox from a good illusion.

The Perfect Mother Illusion

I've been sold on the illusion many times...the illusion of the Perfect Mother.  (I've been sold on a lot of other illusions too, but for the purpose of this post, I'll stick with the Perfect Mother.)


Here's what happens when we buy the illusion:

1. We see the illusion.
2. We believe the illusion.
3. We compare our reality to the illusion.
4. We feel bad because our personal experience of our reality almost never measures up to the picture of the illusion.
5. We try harder, make ourselves better, and put more pressure on ourselves to perform to the standard "illusion".
6. We feel defeated because it never works.
7. We give up trying to be better and try to accept ourselves where we are.
8. We see the illusion.

And the cycle repeats itself.  Comparing my insides to your outsides.

In the case of the Single Mother, we are comparing OUR inner Single Mother Experience...to the outer experience of ALL mothers on the face of the planet.  And we end up feeling bad...sometimes really bad.

In fact, I don't even have to see the illusion.  Sometimes I simply have to imagine the illusion.

For example, I imagine that ALL MOTHERS have really clean and tidy homes.  I imagine that they ALL have ALL the dishes put away in the cabinets and ALL the clothing neatly folded and put in the dresser drawers.  I imagine that ALL toys are put away in some very organized fashion and that ALL the beds are made every morning.

The Reality

And then what happens?  I compare that to what I see when I look around my home:

- I see a cereal bowl turned upside down on the carpet from last night.
- I see the PILE of stuff to be filed on the make-shift computer desk.
- I see random papers and folders occupying a 6x4 square foot of space in the dining room waiting to be organized and filed.
- I see mail and receipts and papers on my foot stool.
- I see various 5-year-old playthings....sword, valentine heart, Nintendo DS attachments, etc.

Plus, I am very present to the fact that I heard the buzz of the dryer go off about two hours ago.  That means clothes are rapidly getting wrinkled....not part of my Perfect Mother image.


Ahhh, and so the cycle goes:

I'll TRY to clean up ALL the things I just mentioned after I'm finished with this blog because I CERTAINLY don't want to feel the shame of not being that illusioned PERFECT MOM.  BUT, because I still need to eat lunch, go to the post office, and walk (for the purpose of keeping up with the illusioned PERFECTLY FIT MOM)....I'll FAIL in my in my attempts to clean up the house.


I'll feel defeated and ONCE AGAIN try to accept the fact that I am a Single Mother with lots on her plate doing the best I can...


UNTIL.....the seduction of another ILLUSION...

Making Dinner - The Agony of Defeat?

Everyone makes dinner.

There is nothing unusual or 'stand-worthy' of that.

The Dinner Experience
However, in standing for the Truth of the Single Mother Experience, I have to say that dinner becomes a feat in and of itself. Or perhaps, shall I say "de-feat"?

The picture that comes to mind when I write that is the well-known (depending on your age) Wide World of Sports opening video of the Thrill of Victory and Agony of Defeat. Perhaps since it is the height of the Winter Olympics, the pictures of these images from my childhood come to mind. I can even hear the announcers voice....

Ah, yes, back to Dinner. The shopping, the planning, the organization, the preparation, the feeding, the clean-up. They say it takes a village to raise a child...does that include making dinner, too??? So, what happens when there is no village? What happens when the meal extravaganza falls on one solo mom's shoulders? Day after day, week after week? You get the idea.

I'll tell you what happens: The Thrill of Victory is lost to the perceived Agony of Defeat. What do I mean by that?

The Thrill of Victory
The Thrill of Victory in the Dinner Competition for this single mother includes:

• Getting it prepared. Period. Bronze Medal.
  
• Getting it prepared prior to picking up Noah from After School. Silver Medal.
  
• Getting it prepared prior to AND having some sort of Green Vegetable included in the mix.

Now, that's the GOLD! The GOLD Medal! (Do you sense the lack of celebration in my tone?)

Tonight I would have won the Gold Medal. But I don't feel like celebrating. "Why?"

The Gold isn't such a high bar, it seems. But, the hurdles I have to get over, just to make it happen! Ugh! Talk about challenging - just getting to grocery story can be its own challenge.

I'm bored with my own whining.

Exploration
"What is deeper?" I ask myself. What is below this? Why not the Celebration of the Thrill of Victory when it happens???

Perhaps, as I explore, and get quiet....the truth will rise to the surface. (As with any busy mind-obsessed being, it takes time for this sort of thing to bubble up, from inside the body. We hide it so well. We tuck it so nicely behind the 'I've got it all handled' persona.)

What I am finding when I feel deeper is the Fear of the Perceived Agony of Defeat.

Now understand, I have never NOT served my son dinner. I have never left him hungry before bed. And I have never fed him McDonald's more than two meals in a row :-).

SO, WHAT am I so afraid of???? What is the source of this fear?

Best answer: THE PERCEIVED PRESSURE COOKER in the sky. The unwritten rules of Good Motherhood:

THOU SHALT:

• Prepare a home cooked, well-balanced meal every night by 6:00 p.m.
• Include a variety of healthy food options, fresh steamed veggies, brown rice, etc.
  
• Eat dinner at the dining room table (candles lit, of course).
• Enjoy stimulating dinner conversation.
• Clean up and be bathing child by 7:00 p.m.

Agony of Defeat
This is my set-up for my Agony of Defeat....because, in truth, although I do get dinner on the table (or the floor)..... I FEEL defeated every night that I don't have the meal ready by 6. I FEEL defeated because I am setting up dinner in front of the TV again, and I FEEL defeated because, tonight for example, I am serving a hodge-podge of not-so-home-cooked Banquet Chicken Pies, Frozen Chicken Nuggets, left-over pasta, and a Corn/Edamame/Green Bean mixture.

Ug, the Truth is out....I really did say Banquet Chicken Pies, didn't I? (I cringe as I write those words.)

In the life of a Single Mother, and in this case, the Life of a Mother in general, the Pressure to Perform to some imagined image of a Mother is killing us.....destroying our Loving-Mother-Spirit, and taking away any pleasure we could glean from Our Own Personal Thrill of Victory.

Celebrating our own Victory
Some days, for a Single Mom, the Thrill of Victory is simply getting some kind of nutritious food in our child's mouth, however that looks. It's not the five-star ingredients or the white table cloth service. The Thrill of Victory is the LOVE in our hearts. The Thrill of Victory is overcoming the internal and external hurdles to make dinner happen. The Thrill of Victory is the one-day-at-a-time journey we are on to ACCEPT and be OK with the personal best that is US Right Now.

That is Gold Medal status. And THAT is worthy of Celebration.

Truth be told, when I was a kid, I loved Banquet chicken pies...and I still do. So does Noah.

Don't tell a soul, though. Promise? :-)

The Truth

Today I went back to edit the First Stand.

Why? I got afraid to say how much Single Motherhood has taken "a toll" on me. Instead, I rewrote it to say it has been "a challenge" for me. Interesting? Yes.

The Good, The Great, and the Shiny
There seems to be a 'limit' in my belief system for how much truth the perceived reading public can take....or perhaps how much truth I am willing to reveal. Perhaps it is both. The collective movement "out there" tends to cherish the good, the great, and the shiny. If it isn't shiny, then we don't want to hear about it. If it doesn't fit with the 'illusioned image', then it doesn't exist.

I notice my anger around these collective limitations. I am angry because I have fallen into the collective trap - and stayed there. It's like an addictive urge to cover up....to make nice...to be acceptable...and to look good. Like an unwritten rule to obey: "Don't Tell the Truth of what is going on Inside." I have yet to discover if this is a Regional Collective (Pennsylvania Dutch) Rule of my parents generation....or a far greater collective rule. My body tells me it goes much farther and deeper than imagined.

The Truth
The Truth is that Single Motherhood takes a toll. The anxiety, the depression, the anger, the comparison, the self-pity. I have experienced it all. In addition to the anxiety, depression and anger is the FIGHT to NOT experience the anxiety, the depression, the anger, etc. Who wants to be a victim of such unpleasant and shameful feelings? Who wants to admit to struggling with these inner demons while, as a mother, You are 'Supposed To Be' enjoying the birth of your newborn...or the life of your toddler....or the growth of your teen?

Perhaps this pressure to experience Motherhood as Blissful is one reason why the experience of Single Motherhood feels so lonely. We are all suffering the same symptoms in silence....together....but alone.

The Truth is that the Single Mother experience is different from the traditional Married Mother experience. It has to be. It is utterly and profoundly different.

The Journey
And so, as we journey together on this road, I invite all inner experiences....all inner truths. NOT for the purpose of staying stuck in the "whoa is me" mentality, but for the purpose of airing the Truth, honoring the Truth, and accepting the Truth of the experience of Life As A Single Mother....as it is. And, for the purpose of moving forward. Wherever and whatever forward may mean to you.

Oh, and the one other edit I made toward the end of my First Stand....I added Standing for the "Victory".

First Stand

What in the world has possessed me to start a second blog, specifically for single mothers, in one week???

Craziness? Passion? Intense Pain?

Perhaps all three.

Craziness is understood. Temporary insanity. Going overboard. Striking while the fire is hot, so to speak.

Passion is accepted. It's the new mainstream. A calling from deep within. Passion ignites, moves to action. True, True.

Intense Pain? How could intense pain be the motivation to blog about the Single Mother Experience?

The intense pain I am referring to comes from the STANDSTILL of NOT STANDING....the INNER WAR of NOT FIGHTING and just going with the standard accepted flow.....and the BOTTOMING OUT of FELT DEFEAT....or pure exhaustion.

Being a single mother for close to five years has been a challenge...physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It has been an ongoing Journey of a Thousand Miles living one day at a time. From many outside perspectives, I am the epitome of 'togetherness'. Former corporate shaker, current business maker. From the inside perspective, (the one that counts), I am a real live struggling human being. The assignment of Single Mother has kicked me in butt harder than I could ever imagine. Tough job -- beyond tough. Rewarding job -- that is still in the making. Training job -- 100% and more.

And so the STAND begins....in whatever way I possibly can.

As I write that, I can feel the resistance to telling the truth...the fear of standing for the truth of the single mother struggle. It would be much easier to remain a persona of togetherness, says the persona itself - - but what Good would that serve? What possibly could come from that but more pain and more separateness? Besides, it is too late.

Standing is too important.

Telling the truth is too important.

There is strength in telling the truth. I can feel it in my being.


Where will this lead? Only Spirit knows. All I know is that I will follow as best as I can....and stand in whatever way possible.

Standing for the whole experience of Single Motherhood. Standing for the pain. Standing for the frustration. Standing for the heartache. Standing for the joy. Standing for the 'aloneness'. Standing for the Victory.

And standing for the Journey Itself, that can lead to a strength and maturity and beauty beyond measure.